Septuagenarian

It appears that I have made it to another milestone anniversary of making my first appearance on the stage of earth. My performance is at a slow spot in the script at the moment, but is still running. So traditionally, this would be the time when I pontificate on my sage wisdom, acquired through the trials of life and miraculously revealed on my birthday.

I’m counting down the days to my cardioversion, hoping to see the constant exhaustion, difficulty breathing, and coughing dissipate soon thereafter. I’ll be headed to the Seattle area tomorrow to await the procedure under the watchful care of Quinne and Michele and Jason. Sometimes, you just have to admit that you need help and they have stepped up to embrace me, for which I am so thankful.

I’ll be leaving Sun Meadow behind for the season, but don’t know what I’ll be doing after the procedure. I’m sure the doctors will have something to say about follow-up. If I’m feeling able to travel and live independently again, Amy will fly up from Oklahoma and we’ll drive down there to spend the bulk of the winter. There are other options I might consider as well, including leaving the trailer stored for the winter here.

Yes, it is possible that I did not age past my expiration date and that angel has become a very important person in my life.

I was on a record writing pace until July this year, set to top 1 million words. It is still possible that I might make that mark, but it will depend on whether I really get my energy and focus back after the procedure. Currently, I can only write a couple hundred words without needing a nap. I’ve already had one in the midst of writing this blog post. Being unable to focus and be productive has been one of the worst parts of the past two months plus. I feel like I have left behind important tasks unfinished and don’t even know where to find them.

The year had several notable events. I was in Arizona from October until the middle of April.

I even decorated for Christmas a little (strand of red lights) and Quinne came to visit and to have an adventure over Solstice. We went to the Cabeza Prieta Wilderness Area for a day of solitary exploration and scene gathering. We had a great time negotiating paths with the truck that were rugged.

In January, I released a new Devon Layne serial titled Double Take, Book 1 in “The Transmogrification of Jacob Hopkins.” It was so successful in getting new patrons that revenue from patronage soon tripled what I make in royalties. Those people have been extremely loyal and supportive all year!

I managed a very pleasant trip north back to Sun Meadow for the summer and arrived the first of May. I’ve made a trip to the Seattle area every month all summer long—mostly for doctors. However, on June 23, I released Wild Woods (sequel to City Limits), Municipal Blondes (sequel to For Blood or Money), and Double Time (sequel to Devon Layne’s Double Take). A very successful event at the Chandler Reach Winery Tasting Room in Woodinville, WA. I hoped to release Stocks & Blondes this fall but that is another of the projects delayed. Perhaps by the end of the year.

The writing is complete on three more Devon Layne sequels, but production and release have once again been delayed significantly. Hopefully at least one will be out this fall.

I have a hopper full of new book ideas, but it seems to be jammed when it comes to letting it feed the pen.

May was also the time when it dawned on Amy and me that our long-time friendship and writing companionship might actually lead to something else. We explored this through the time during the summer when we were each too sick to do anything about it, but in September, she visited me here at Sun Meadow and we discovered we are just as good face-to-face as we are online. And that has been the highpoint of my summer.

And through this year, what have I learned?

First and foremost, that I have many friends here at Sun Meadow who will go the extra mile to help me. The shortness of breath and A-fib came on me very suddenly this summer and I discovered there were three respiratory nurses in the community. A friend took me to the airport when I couldn’t face driving across Washington to Seattle. Friends have looked after my trailer, brought me food, and driven me to the grocery store or pharmacy. Margie, at the lodge, made me soup and made sure I had extra to heat up for quick meals. There has been no end to the support of my friends here at Sun Meadow and that is one of the main reasons I still call this home.

I learned that family is also strong. Michele, Jason, and Quinne have extended their home to me and watched over me during my various doctor appointments. I simply wouldn’t be on the road to recovery without them. I’ve come to value good people. The world would be a better place if there were more good people.

And that brings me to my major lesson of the year. If something I say or do doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t make the world a better place.

It only took me seven decades to figure that out.

Update: No real news

I’ve had a few really good days this week and a couple that really sucked. First off, my friends here at camp have just been incredible and check in on me often, so I never feel abandoned. Margie has made me soup. Pam has taken me to the pharmacy. Doug and Colleen have stepped up to help winterize my trailer, and Mike and Sue are helping to get me to Seattle next weekend. Unbelievable assistance at a time I really need it.

I’m headed to Seattle on Saturday so I’m with family as I get ready for the procedures the following week. I’ll have a pulmonary function test and consultation, then will have the cardio work done the next day. Have received some confusing information indicating that I’m scheduled for ablation on Wednesday the 9th when I was told in the doctor’s office that it would be cardioversion. That means a few phone calls tomorrow and you know how I love getting on the phone.

I guess I should be asking about my swollen ankles as well. Michele says that could signify congestive heart failure. She is concerned enough that they are going to drive out to Snoqualmie Saturday so I’m not making the last fifty miles of the drive to their place alone. I broke down crying when I read that. I hate being sick.

And it is interfering with my time with Amy. She arrived on Thursday and we’ve had a wonderful time getting to know each other better and having each other for company. She loves it up here at Sun Meadow almost as much as I do. The day she got here, I was feeling great. Since then, not so much. Last night, I hardly slept at all. Makes it very difficult to do anything fun. I am amazed, though, at her capacity for caring and to care for me. Little touches mean so much to me.

My writing has slowed to the couple hundred words a day that I can get down before falling asleep. Nonetheless, that meant today I finished the last of the Double Take books and am sending them off to editors. I know I have other projects sitting here I should be doing, but I’m not sure when I’ll have the endurance to focus on them.

So, as I face turning 70 on Friday, I do so with a little trepidation and a lot of hope that I'll be on the road to recovery in a couple of weeks. Just hanging in there.

Well, that is the extent of my update for now.

Self-worth and Productivity

The journey to better health is a slow one if you ask me. Every morning I wake up and ask, “Are we there yet?” Of course, the answer is always, “Not quite. Just be patient.” For once in my life, I want to hear the driver say, “We’ve arrived!”

This morning feels like a very good day, but not an arrival. Usually, by this time when I’m writing, I’d be asleep on a normal day over the past week. About a hundred words, followed by a two-hour nap.

Getting enough sleep is certainly an issue. Not just sleep, but restful sleep. It doesn’t help when I’m exhausted by arguing with characters in one of my books about what comes next in the story. Last night, it was Stocks & Blondes. After my initial deep sleep of an hour or two, I spent the next three hours trying to remember exactly where I’d left off in the writing and what should come next. You can say I was dreaming, but this was not deep REM sleep. I was peripherally aware of things like the furnace turning on, what position I should be sleeping in, and my breathing patterns. It was exhausting.

And I haven’t actually written anything on Stocks & Blondes, the next Deb Riley mystery, in a month. I was in the middle of a chapter when I could no longer maintain writing two stories at once. Only a week later, I couldn’t maintain writing one story and my daily productivity was represented by a series of 0s. The week ending August 31, I wrote less than 2,000 words. The week ending September 7, 4,800 words. This week, 6,700 words. Well, things are improving, right?

I guess the toughest thing is that somewhere along the line I began to equate my self-worth with my writing productivity. This year has been a record year for my books being read, for fans contacting me, for writing-related revenue, and for generally feeling good about myself as an author. And then suddenly that was kicked out from under me by a physical problem I had no business having. I’ve never had anything like this in my life and have very little family history of it. My drug costs have flown from $20 a month to over $700 a month, wiping out the gains I made this year from my writing. My long-anticipated trip around the world is indefinitely postponed. And my feeling of self-worth has plummeted.

I know that when I am productive (writing 40,000 words a week in April, May, and June) I let other things go. My house is crying to be cleaned—a task I will complete before my girlfriend visits later this week. Dishes pile up in the sink until I need to wash them or starve. Even the patio needs to be swept. I guess I wouldn’t feel so bad about my self-worth if having my productivity drop off meant I was getting these other tasks done. But I’m not.

I finally removed Solitaire from my computer this week when I realized I was spending hours mindlessly clicking on cards and then dreaming about the games at night. I’ve watched more Netflix in the past month than ever. And I have, I’m sure, set a new lifetime record for hours spent sitting in my chair. This is not the life I want.

Bitch and moan. Life ain’t fair.

Well, productivity is not the same as mindless rambling. I currently plan to head back to Seattle the 28th of September to be near doctors and family while I get this resolved. Please let there be a resolution!

You Live and Learn. At Any Rate, You Live

That, by the way, is a quote from Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless. But, it’s also a lot about the way I’ve felt these past two weeks. At least I’m living. There have been really good days and some pretty unpleasant ones. I’m still not near up to par with writing, but I’m getting some done. Have elected to do a lot of formatting of files, which is easier to focus on and not as creative. Also, some editing.

One day this week, I did my laundry. But looking at it in the basket at the foot of the bed, I elected to just sleep in my recliner rather than go through the work of folding and putting away the clothes and then making the bed. I was too tired to make anything for dinner and just went to sleep. The next day, I folded clothes, put them away, made the bed, did dishes, and had a great night’s sleep. The next day I was drained all day.

Overall, I’d say things are improving gradually. Nothing will really be resolved until after the procedure on October 9.

That isn’t stopping my girlfriend from visiting in ten days. We’ve decided we’ve waited long enough with various illnesses delaying our get together all summer. Now it’s time to find out if we have that special something that clicks when we’re face to face instead of keyboard to keyboard!

* * *

I ran across an article in my Facebook feed that the old Bourbon Community Center gym is looking for a rescuer.

According to https://www.indianalandmarks.org/2019/08/historic-bourbon-gym-needs-a-champion/ the gym was built in 1928 to meet new state requirements for physical education. When the 1918 school building (from which I graduated in 1968) was demolished in the 70s, the gym was left standing. Now, Triton High School has a new facility and doesn’t know what to do with the landmark in Bourbon.

I looked into the gym the last time I drove through Bourbon, Indiana and a bunch of guys my age were reliving their glory days on the court. This was where we played ball, had PE, sat through convocations, had plays and concerts, and graduated. Most of my memories of the old Triton High School are set in this gym. It looks small, but even when I graduated, the school had fewer than 250 students. And that was a consolidation of three townships!

It looks like the stage went goodbye with the demolition of the school. It was behind the yellow wall.

A little nostalgia has kept me from a diatribe on fiscal conservatives and social moderates for another week. One more reason to thank the old gym in Bourbon.